COMEDY: Some Funny Quotes — Enjoy!!

Sometimes, when I look at my children,

I say to myself,

      ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..’

– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and

I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read

the description in the catalogue:

   ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

– Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman

I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,

and now wish to withdraw that statement..

– Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is

to have a good beginning

and a good ending; and to have the two

as close together as possible

– George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

– Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books.

You may die of a misprint.

– Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,

you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one,

you’ll become a philosopher.

– Socrates


I was married by a judge.

I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

– Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough

to give his diamonds back.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass

all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

– Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,

people would stop dying.

– Rodney Dangerfield


Money can’t buy you happiness ….

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

– Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

– Joe Namath


I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.

Then it’s time for my nap.

– Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting

things that fish do in it..

– W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down

if it had to work its way through Congress.

– Will Rogers


Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

– Winston Churchill


Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ..

But everything else starts to wear out,

fall out, or spread out..

– Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,

he’s too old to go anywhere.

– Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist’s diet:

– If it tastes good spit it out.


May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door

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