COMEDY: Steven Wright – an erudite comic and scientist – commentary

Steven Wright is the erudite comic and scientist who said:  

“I woke up one morning, discovered all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”  

Here are some of his priceless statements:

  • 1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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  • 2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
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  • 3 – Half the people you know are below average.
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  • 4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.        
  • 5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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  • 6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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  • 7– A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
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  • 8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
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  • 9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
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  • 10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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  • 11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend … But she left me before we met.
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  • 12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
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  • 13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
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  • 14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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  • 15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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  • 16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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  • 17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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  • 18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
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  • 19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
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  • 20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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  • 21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
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  • 22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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  • 23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
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  • 24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
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  • 25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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  • 26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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  • 27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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  • 28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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  • 29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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  • 30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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  • 31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
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  • 32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
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  • 33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
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  • 34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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  • 35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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