VIDEO: The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

6,188,344 views  Apr 29, 2014

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-selling author, marriage therapist, and professional speaker. Among the first in her field to courageously speak out about the pitfalls of unnecessary divorce, Michele has been active in spearheading the now popular movement urging couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together.       

Michele is the Director of The Divorce Busting® Center and the founder of She has been a frequent guest on shows such as Oprah, 20/20, 48 Hours, The TODAY show, Good Morning America, CBS Evening News, and so on. Her work as been featured in most major newspapers and magazines.

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  • guyanaalert  On 11/25/2020 at 12:33 pm

    ‘She has settled into just avoiding sex.’

    Pamela Stephenson Connolly – psychotherapist
    Tue 24 Nov 2020 16.17 GMT – The Guardian

    Man seeking help from Pamela Stephenson.

    My stunning wife makes no effort with our sex life – and I’m losing all interest
    We were very sexually active for our first two years together. But there’s no passion any more, and I need more than her occasional: ‘We should have sex tonight’

    My wife and I have been married for several years. Over the past six months, I have felt my overall sexual attraction to her diminishing to the point that, even though she is absolutely stunning (she could be a model, which I am reminded of by strangers almost every time we go out together), I no longer find myself sexually attracted to her at all. At the start of our relationship, the sex was OK and we were very sexually active for the first two years.
    I have explained to her that she lacks passion, no matter how much energy I bring. She rarely initiates sex, and when she does, she simply says: “We should have sex tonight,” which is a turn-off. In our last conversation, she said she is just shy.
    After several conversations, she said she understood what she needed to do and would work on it, but shortly afterwards she asked for sex outright without any real effort with mood or energy, so I just didn’t feel up to it and turned her down again. Two months on, she has settled back into just avoiding it. She is a lovely, caring woman, but my patience has worn thin, which sucks in such a young marriage. I don’t know what to do.

    REPLY from Pamela Stephenson

    When a person feels judged – especially as frequently as you have described – they can lose confidence and withdraw. As a rule, positive reinforcement is the best way to teach a person. In your situation, that would mean praising and rewarding even small achievements and never again finding fault. I suspect she is feeling confused – especially if you have not been sufficiently specific with her about what you like.
    It is not enough to complain: “You never initiate sex!” Instead you could, say, mention a video you once saw, where a woman unexpectedly walked through the living room wearing “X” or “Y”, then invited a man to follow her upstairs – and ask her to consider doing something similar. Your wife cannot read your mind, and I believe she does not really understand how to be seductive the way you would like. So, she may need very specific requests such as: “Would you mind doing this, saying this, wearing this?”
    If she addresses any of your requests in even small ways, be sure to praise and reward her amply. Eventually she will regain confidence. But in terms of her own libido, it is up to you to kindly and non-judgmentally encourage her to share her own interests and tastes with you. This might be uncomfortable for her, so do not push – again, praise her and act on anything she does reveal. Your job is to discover how she likes to be pleasured – that is the best way to fix this.

    Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

  • WIC  On 11/25/2020 at 12:54 pm

    If one eats filet mignon every day, one will loose appreciation for the best quality meat available. Therefore,eating some ground beef, chicken or pork outside can sometimes enhance appreciation for the filet mignon at home. I believe many couples have and are doing that on the understanding, that one party does not embarrasses the other.

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